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It’s a ‘lose-lose’ situation …

Some of our National Rust readers may have read, as I have, of the findings of a new study conducted by the University of Oslo, which are widely reported in the British media this morning.

Based upon research into a range of primates, these apparently demonstrate that there is a direct correlation between the size of a male’s testicles and the extent of unfaithfulness in the corresponding female of the species.

The results are most starkly exhibited in the differences between bonobos and gorillas.

Male bonobos consort with a large number of females, which is why – according to researchers – they need particularly large cojones.

Contrast this with the experience of gorillas. In each, relatively small, group there is only one male. Ergo, needing to produce less sperm, the testicles of male gorillas are comparatively tiny.

Petter Bockman, lead researcher in the Oslo University team, commented “From the male animal’s point of view, if he has only one female and no competitors, he only needs sufficient sperm to reach the sole female’s egg. However, if females of a species tend in addition to mate with other males, it is smart to have as many cars as possible in the race. Then, the male must have testicles that are as large as possible”.

Speaking personally, I am not entirely comfortable with the implications of these conclusions.

Having visited the bathroom this morning in order to check, I regret to advise that the jury is still out on whether the size of my undercarriage is (1) so large as to indicate that my dear wife has always been a compulsively-promiscuous slut or, alternatively, (2) it is so small that plainly – through no fault of my own – I was physiologically designed by Fate to mate with a very small number of females indeed.


Apparently, the Oslo University study also examined other species for comparative evidence.

I wasn’t previously aware that, for example, generally-speaking, animals with shorter lifespans tend to have larger testicles; that, in one type of grasshopper, the testicles occupy half their body mass; and that, in order to increase their chances of fertilising an egg, sea urchins – which spawn directly into the ocean – basically consist of a huge testicle with a small shell around it; or that the fact that human testicles are about one and a half times the size of a gorilla’s is a clear indication that human beings are unfaithful by nature.


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About Darren Buckley

Darren is one of our younger contributors, having been born in 1979. He is finance director of an IT marketing company based in Litchfield and was a fanatical club-level triathlete until his growing family helped him come to his senses. His regular exercise these days come from walking the dog. More Posts