Curate’s eggs rarely satisfy
Saturday 29th October 2016: Aviva Premiership Round 7: Harlequins v Worcester Warriors at the Stoop. Result: Harlequins 36 (5 league points including 1 bonus for scoring 4 tries) Worcester Warriors 14 (0 league points).
When you think about it I should imagine that there are probably as many philosophical theories about different aspects of life as there exist sports.
As a follower of the men in multi-coloured shirts, right now – actually no, make that throughout history – I (and those like me) feel that recently we have been channelling our inner Forrest Gump [as famously expressed in the 1994 movie of the same name starring Tom Hanks in the title role], you know the one I’m going to quote but that’s not going to stop me: “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Actually, now I think of it, there’s another rumination on life that seems to encapsulate life as a Harlequins supporter this season. Those of my vintage may well have childhood memories of endless hours somehow becoming word perfect with the script of the long-playing 33 rpm record of the cast recording of the legendary Beyond The Fringe team (Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Alan Bennett and Jonathan Miller), a review that was first conceived for the 1960 Edinburgh Festival and later played in the West End and on Broadway, effectively launching four highly-successful but varied individual arts/entertainment careers.
One of my many favourite BTF routines was Alan Bennett’s The Sermon, with hindsight almost a forerunner of his Talking Heads genre, in which (as a vicar), meandering through a series of little homilies and reflections with the audience, he alights upon the revelation that life is rather like opening a can of sardines. Beginning with the analogy that we all have to begin by ‘looking for the key’, he comments – after we’ve found it and rolled back the lid to enjoy the sardines (“the riches of life”), that there’s always a little bit in the corner that you cannot get out, asking his audience with a weary sigh: “I wonder is there a little bit in the corner of your life? I know there is in mine …”
To sum up then, this was another Harlequins game of two halves.
The first was a distinctly-average quality, error-strewn ‘watching paint dry’-type disappointment that ended 7-7 (a converted try apiece). It would be unfair to describe it as a ‘bore-fest’ because there were a handful of flashes of brilliance and verve but the home crowd at the Stoop – now regaining its reputation as a formidable place for oppositions to visit – was so rarely given the raw meat of good old Quins attacking flair that the atmosphere resembled more that generated by a diffident Sunday morning church congregation than an intimidating bunch of hairy-arsed rugby fanatics.
Worcester Warriors first. On this occasion, as ever – despite, like their hosts, being hampered by a long injury list – they were big, robust and up for the contest. As a ‘glass half empty’ home supporter I would describe the execution of their two tries on either side of the break as half seized opportunity and half dreadful defending by Quins. Their most impressive player, already identified by Eddie Jones as a future England prospect, was the former rugby league player and mercenary Ben Te’o, amongst whose work was a well-taken second half try.
Quins’ stand-out players in my book were captain Danny Care and Joe Marchant. Care has posted several below-par club performances this term but, with the pre-autumn international camp beginning later today, this crackerjack and focused outing was just what he needed in order to press his case to be England’s starting 9.
Harlequins have high hopes of Marchant, 20, a seasoned academy and England Under-20 centre threequarter, who was in Eddie Jones’s initial big squad for the autumn. Here he began solidly and grew into the game with a series of great tackles. There was also a hint of ‘anticipation’ surrounding his every opportunity with ball in hand. His interception try was brilliantly taken and he left several Worcester sprinters in his wake as he scorched 80 yards to score in the corner.
Mentions must also be made of Mike Brown, who has another very competent all-round game and looked distinctly ready for November’s international campaign and prop Joe Marler who, despite his well-publicised ‘mental issues’ which caused him to seek psychological help and remove himself from England’ summer tour party, had another of his belligerent ‘days at the office’. Apart from getting into scuffles with several of the Worcester pack, he was sent to cool off in the sin bin for an incident towards the end of first half and in my view could have received a second yellow on at least two occasions (one late tackle/barge and one contretemps that I didn’t quite see with a front-five opponent) in the second. Why the Quins coaching team didn’t hook him off well before they eventually did surprised several of us sitting in the stand.
Quins scored 29 points in the second half, including four tries and there might have been two more but for two (TMO-referred) ‘strange’ decisions by referee Luke Pearce that could easily – I hesitate to say ‘should’ – have gone in our favour.
After being 11th out of 12 in the Premiership table not so long ago, we’re now fifth. The worrying part is that whilst at home we’re a tough proposition for anyone, on the road our record is terrible. It’s a recipe for a lower-half finish in the table, of course, because everyone plays everybody both home and away.
