Infamy, infamy … they’ve all got it in for me

Today I can report – from the front line of a sixty-something’s quest for fitness – that I returned to the gym last night for the first time in three weeks in the pouring rain and managed twenty minutes on an exercise bike and a cursory tour of the weights area before returning home for a large gin & tonic and a stir-fry evening meal.

This expedition provided a temporary and welcome respite from the modern world which continues to heap frustration and puzzlement upon me and in which advances are few and far between.

To be fair, one of the latter was the arrival in the post about three days ago of a communication from the NHS bowel cancer screening unit indicating that my results were clear and that I shall be invited to take part in their project again in two years’ time:

“ … unless you have reached the age of 75 by then. We do not automatically invite people over the age of 75 or over, but they can request screening every 2 years by calling our free helpline on 0800 7070 60 60”.

Hard on the heels of the confirmation that we oldies are the most likely to die from the Coronavirus problem sweeping the world, I could only draw the conclusion from the NHS missive referred to above that – whereas those of us over 60 but under 75 are worth offering bowel cancer screening tests –  once a UK citizen reaches the age of 75 they’re deemed to have reached the stage in life where they’re bound to be “on their way out” in some manner or other and therefore it’s barely worth worrying about whether they’ve got bowel cancer or not.

Next up, in the post over the weekend came an ominously official-looking envelope from the Met Police speed camera unit asking me to confirm that I was the owner/driver of a vehicle with a similar registration number to mine which breached a 30 mph speed restriction an area of north London about ten days ago.

People laugh at me when I claim that I am living proof that the Big Brother Nanny State already has the means at its disposal in terms of facial recognition technology to persecute any citizen of its choice – and that I am one of those so currently afflicted.

However, I remain convinced that this is the case, especially since it was only about two months ago that I attended my last speed awareness course as a means of improving my driving – and indeed speed restriction observance – whilst simultaneously avoiding a fine and another three points on my driving licence.

This latest incident is a perfect example of that which I complain.

Leaving aside whether or not I was driving a car sporting a registration number plate similar to mine (which is not admitted) on the day and in the location alleged, my simple point is this.

On the day in question, if I was indeed driving in such a vehicle after three and a half hours of trying to find my way home a metropolis Wednesday night rush hour, throughout the process of doing so, at all times mine was only proceeding at the same speed as every other car in the vicinity.

The traffic was bad to worse for a London rush hour and instances of being able to progress at 30 mph at all anywhere were few and far between. And short in duration.

In summary, in common with all other motorists around me, I was simply endeavouring to get home on a boring evening at a boring time of day. And minding my own business – and listening to the radio – as I did.

So my point is this.

Let us assume for the sake of the example, that at the moment the Met’s speed camera allegedly caught a vehicle of a similar identity to mine moving at a speed in excess of 30 mph in an area where 30 mph was the restricted figure permitted … it was in fact doing just that.

I put two propositions to you, your honour.

The first is that – if indeed said vehicle was being driven at a speed in excess of the permitted one in that area, then so was every other car on the carriageway concerned at that time.

[I should estimate that on that night, at that time and in that place (a well-known roundabout), at least two thousand cars per hour were passing by in the direction concerned and many of them at the speed in excess of 30 mph, if indeed that was physically possible, which I’d submit is debatable.]

My second proposition – and one that in support of which I shall be calling in my defence the Commissioner of Police of the Metropolis Dame Cressida Dick, together with her speed camera unit’s records of that evening – is that, if the evidence proves that I (or rather the alleged vehicle with a cloned registration number plate similar to mine’s allegedly photographed) was moving forward in excess of 30 mph, then I would expect at least between 50 and 100 other motorists to have been similarly “clocked” doing exactly the self-same thing at exactly the same time.

Any evidence produced that demonstrates that my car – sorry, the car with an apparently similar number plate to mine – was/is de facto the only one now being “brought before the beak” for the alleged offence will be proof that – contrary to all the known laws of privacy, data protection and the individual’s right to be considered as equal before the law as anybody else in the land – I am specifically being persecuted by the UK Government for nefarious reasons and purposes as yet unknown.

That, at least, will be the basis upon which my legal team will now be issuing proceedings on my behalf before the European Court of Human Rights at the earliest possible opportunity.