Rubbing it in …
Yesterday I was flicking through The Times newspaper and gave myself a bit of a fright. Well, Doctor Mark Porter – who is either their medical correspondent and/or a regular columnist on medical matters – did.
In a piece entitled Paternal age could be an important factor in the health of your children he laid bare the facts of life for prospective fathers over (shall we say) a certain age. They made stark, sobering, reading.
Because Mr Murdoch insists that people pay to access The Times online, and I refuse to do this on principle since I buy the newspaper anyway, I am afraid that I cannot provide as link to it here but nevertheless can provide the following as examples of what I mean:
Semen volume and quality start to decrease from the mid-thirties.
The quality of genetic information in both sperm and the female egg declines with age. Age can increase the possibility of ‘glitches’ in the genetic ‘software’ leading to problems from early miscarriage to Down’s syndrome. (Inevitably, these issues are more pronounced in women – with men, and sperm, it’s a case of first to the egg does the business and, as the fitness and strongest tends to win the race, there’s more of Darwin’s ‘natural selection’ working on the man’s side of things).
Nevertheless, sperm from older fathers may increase the likelihood of early miscarriage and – for example – achondroplasia (a form of dwarfism) is eight times more likely to occur with fathers who are over the age of 50.
Fathers over the age of 45 at the time of conception are up to five times more likely to have a child with autism than men in their 20s. The equivalent rates of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia for fathers over 55 are 1.3 and 1.5 times higher for each decade over 25.
[For completeness, the connection between age and occurrence is not entirely one-way: teenage fathers seems to carry additional risks of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia].
Although I know couples who have had difficulty in having children – and resorted to IVF and similar as a result – in my relative youth I and my wife thankfully didn’t have any problems in this area.
Back in those days (probably either the late 1970s or 1980s?) I remember watching one of those semi-improvised plays on the BBC for which Mike Leigh made his reputation as one of the greats of late 20th Century British drama.
In the cause of assisting or bonding with my readers, I wish I could remember its name but I am afraid that this much time later the feat is beyond me. I cannot even remember what it was about, or indeed which actors and actresses were in the cast. All I can remember about it was a single one-line gag that had me in stitches of hysterical laughter, not just for the remainder of the evening, but for days – even possibly weeks – afterwards. I have no idea whether the quip was part of the script or whether – on the day, in that studio, between those actors – it ‘came’ in a moment of improvised genius.
The set up was that a young couple were discussing their future life together – engagement, marriage, starting a family, and so on. He was decidedly thick, she more lively and intelligent, but a but prissy.
At one stage he passed a comment about work, promotion and his worries about affording a place to live once they’d begun trying for a family and she was pregnant.
She responded “Don’t’ be silly [Whatever-his-name-was], I won’t get pregnant the first time we make love …”
His eyes narrowed [his eternal instinctive male confidence broke inelegantly to the surface] and he said in all earnestness and certainty ”You will with me, girl …”
At my comfortable semi-detached home drawing room, in front of the fire and telly in the corner, I then emitted a huge snort of hysterical laughter that went on for about 45 seconds – that is, until I was told by my spouse that, if I couldn’t control myself, I would have to leave the room. Which eventually I had to.
I still smile at that one now, just reading it back to myself.
Coming back to the present, Doctor Porter’s article yesterday gave me pause for thought.
If ever I did meet and get together with the young American warbler Taylor Swift, for example, and she wanted to have kids, I can see that I’d have to get very fit indeed and have my wits about me if I was to become a prospective father of, say, quads as I hurtled towards my 70th birthday.
The other trouble is – as I think Culture Club lead vocalist Boy George once famously said – “I think I’d rather have a cup of tea ..”
