If it’s Thursday it must be Vietnam

One of my late mother’s favourite films was If It’s Tuesday It Must Be Belgium an unfairly neglected comedy of those compacted European tours. I thought of this yesterday as we set off on another coach excursion comprising Buddhist or Chinese temples and a shopping or artisan works visit no doubt where the guide is on commission.

Having all endured troubled nights because of the ferocious storm most of the group looked fleshy under the gills. At one point the captain ordered confinement to the cabin. My balcony doors blew open and in closing and securing them I saw a wild and foaming  sea below.

The cabin heaved to the right and left, up and down and there was shuddering too as if some mighty object had struck amidships. Motion sickness abounded. It did not help that it was still raining and cold, the sort of weather we were pleased to leave behind.

Our tour guide called Na was bubbly. When she was not giving us information she sang us songs. At one point she passed the microphone to Bob and asked him to sing.

“I think the group has suffered enough in the night” he responded.

We saw the statutory Chinese temple in the touristy old town of cool and cosmopolitan Hoi An where all the hawkers were out, peddling wares. We had a buffet lunch at a restaurant  by a river which would have been picturesque but for the rain. In the afternoon there was a vote on whether to see a sculpture museum which was resoundingly no. Nonetheless this is a communist one-party state and the guide who was also in the ‘no’ camp’ had to call her manager who overruled us. Later over a drink with a vivacious Italian cruise hostess, Simona, on board she explained that the shore concierge team have little control over the ground tour company.

Always on the look out for any indicators on national sexual mores I did pick up from the guide more than one reference to worshipping the phallus as a sort of fertility rite. Aye, aye!!!

One Mexican on the bus sprung to life on being told we would see a statue of the Hindu God Shiva with phallus. Our guide spoke of her child but lived with her mother. I am sure birth control, as in China, was tightly regulated. One of the reason for poverty in large sections of India is the size of the family. I also noted how entrepreneurial the Vietnamese are. Our guide pointed out a complex where you could buy property and lease it out on time shares. It did not sound very Marxist to me!!!

We returned at 5-30 tired. The view from the bridge from the captain was of more rolling waves.

We heard over drinks with Simona of one casualty who fell. Undeterred the know-all from Dorking drank his whiskies and held forth on how the Brits were the only ones that knew how to fight in the jungle, citing the successful Malaya campaign under Field Marshal Harding.

For dinner, I had foie gras, asparagus ravioli in truffle, pork chop and french cheese. Not only would I classify the food as exceptional but the whole experience.

Our waitress Charlotte referred to each guest by name, all the courses arrived in a timely fashion and as everything is inclusive so no one argued over paying for a Sauternes with the foie gras which only some diners ordered.

I sat next to a pleasant lady whose late husband had been a Labour MEP. This made me think of another of my mother’s sayings “Only the rich can afford to be socialist”. You can hardly think of a more upstairs/downstairs world than that of a liner.

Most of the staff are Filipinos and I cannot imagine they are over-paid. Bob won his battle to be released from  the cruise entertainment director’s table. He was gracious to Sergio the maitre D in victory but he (Bob) has now clashed with the finance officer whom he found unobliging. His old adversary the Brooklyn hulk was on the same coach but his partner did smile at Bob. Watch this space !!!